In college, I had the pleasure of being not only a sorority Beau, but THE BEAU of the chapter. The story of how this came to be is beyond the scope of this post. Let's just say it was an honor and a pleasure to have so many young women think so highly of me. I was invited to all the events, and was always welcome at their house. Part of pledge initiation required the girls to introduce themselves, learn a few things about me, and get my signature on their signs - I'm not sure what those were actually called.
It was during my time as close friends to several dozen coeds that I learned I had a particular set of skills - giving nicknames to breasts. Don't assume this was part of perverted sexual rituals. This was just harmless fun. The majority of the women were more like sisters. I grew up very close to my Mother, and had two older sisters. Most of my friends were women. I felt very comfortable around the opposite sex. To them, I was just a giant Teddy Bear, who could reach things nobody in the house could.
I don't even remember how it got started, but soon all the girls were asking me for names for their breasts. No, I did not examine each one naked - that would come later in life when Playboy was a client, and I had to select images for licensed products. The nicknames rarely PHYSICALLY matched the girl's assets. They were just humorous names and slogans/taglines.
The names back then were lost to time. But a few years later, somehow a few women I knew found out about my gift, so it came back to life - culminating in a blog post on Myspace - remember that? While I was recently sorting through computer files, I found the lists. And so this post was born.
During this time, I became quite fond of using company names and slogans. They just work so well. Consider Nice 'n' Easy - shampoo and hair color. The tagline was: "The closer he gets... the better you look!" With a slight tweak, it becomes this:
The ’B’ Sides*
Penn & Teller - They're magic!
Romeo & Juliet - Men's eyes were made to look
Ashlee & Jessica (Simpson) - They may not sing, but they're nice on the eyes!
Rocky Mountains - Impressive from any angle
Britney & Jamie Lynn (Spears) - They'll "Drive You Crazy" (or) They were "Born To Make You happy"
Haylie & Hillary (Duff) - My "Material Girls"
Homer & Marge (Simpson) - Mmmmmm... (or) Is there anything they can't do? (or) Woohoo!
Hall & Oates - They need that "lovin' feelin" (or) They're "Maneaters"
Abbott & Costello - Who's on first?
Adam & Eve - They're naked and not ashamed.
Fred & Ginger - Dance with the stars.
Bill & Ted - A most excellent adventure.
Christopher Columbus & Queen Isabel - Explore a new world.
Kirk & Spock - Boldly go where no man has gone before!
Matt Damon & Ben Affleck - How 'bout them apples?
The Two Towers - The time has come for the dominion of Men.
Bambi and Thumper - If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all!
The Wonder Twins (Zan & Jayna) - When they are touched, the Wonder Twin Powers are activated!
Tom & Jerry - Care to play a game of cat & mouse?
Everest & K2 - Who will reach the top first?
Pointer Sisters - They want a man with a slow hand and an easy touch.
Barbara & Jenna (Bush) - If you're their daddy, you're powerful.
Ben & Jerry - To know them is to love them.
The Olsen Twins (Mary Kate & Ashley) - It takes two (or) Full House
The Thompson Twins - Hold me now.
Dorothy & Toto - You're not in Kansas anymore! (or) People come and go so quickly here! (or) I'll get you pretty, and the little dog too!
*Some may have aged better than others.
Advertising Slogans and Taglines Can Be So Suggestive.
Trinidad & Tobago - Together we aspire, together we achieve
The Energizer Bunnies - They keep going and going and going...
Nintendo DS - Touching is good
G E - They bring good things to life
Allstate - Always in good hands.
Proctor & Gamble - Touching Lives, Improving Life
Campbell's Soup - M'm! M'm! Good!
Pringles - Once you pop, the fun don't stop.
Smuckers (Jam & Jelly) - With a name like Smuckers, they have to be good.
Sunny Delight - Unleash the power of the sun.
Sugar Puffs - With honey goodness
Lucky Charms - They're Magically Delicious!
Twizzlers - Makes mouths happy!
M&M - Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
Butter Cups - There's no wrong way to eat them.
Twix - Two For Me! None for you!
Disneyland - The Happiest Place on Earth
Alton Towers - Where wonders never cease
Good & Plenty - Love my good & plenty
Alka-Seltzer - Try it, you'll like it
Bacardi & Cola - They get the job done
Barnum & Bailey (Circus) - The Greatest Show on Earth
AT & T - Reach out and touch them
Braniff Airlines - When you got it, flaunt it
Coca Cola - Deliciously refreshing (or) Good all the way down (or) Demand the genuine - refuse substitutes (or) They're the real thing (or) Feel the difference
Doublemint (Gum) - Double your pleasure, double your fun
Frosted Flakes - They're GR-R-REAT!
Martini & Rossi - For people who share a taste for excitement.
Tic Tacs - Put a Tic Tac in your mouth and get a bang out of life
Weebles - Weebles wobble but they don't fall down
So there you have it, plenty of choices for the ladies with discriminating taste.
DISCLAIMER - In answer to the emails I received after this was originally posted, and in an effort to preempt any emails after this post, no, I'm not a pervert. I do not abuse small furry farm animals. This is all in good fun. If you don't know me and have not read my blogs before, you may be missing some of the running jokes, or just simply not understand my humor - it is an acquired taste. Keep reading at your own risk. Stay long enough and you just might learn something, and have a few laughs.
Originally Posted On Myspace May/June 2008
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