"I am for a government rigorously frugal and simple. Were we directed from Washington when to sow, when to reap, we should soon want bread." -- Thomas Jefferson
In college, I had the pleasure of being not only a sorority Beau, but THE BEAU of the chapter. The story of how this came to be is beyond the scope of this post. Let's just say it was an honor and a pleasure to have so many young women think so highly of me. I was invited to all the events, and was always welcome at their house. Part of pledge initiation required the girls to introduce themselves, learn a few things about me, and get my signature on their signs - I'm not sure what those were actually called.
It was during my time as close friends to several dozen coeds that I learned I had a particular set of skills - giving nicknames to breasts. Don't assume this was part of perverted sexual rituals. This was just harmless fun. The majority of the women were more like sisters. I grew up very close to my Mother, and had two older sisters. Most of my friends were women. I felt very comfortable around the opposite sex. To them, I was just a giant Teddy Bear, who could reach things nobody in the house could.
I don't even remember how it got started, but soon all the girls were asking me for names for their breasts. No, I did not examine each one naked - that would come later in life when Playboy was a client, and I had to select images for licensed products. The nicknames rarely PHYSICALLY matched the girl's assets. They were just humorous names and slogans/taglines.
The names back then were lost to time. But a few years later, somehow a few women I knew found out about my gift, so it came back to life - culminating in a blog post on Myspace - remember that? While I was recently sorting through computer files, I found the lists. And so this post was born.
During this time, I became quite fond of using company names and slogans. They just work so well. Consider Nice 'n' Easy - shampoo and hair color. The tagline was: "The closer he gets... the better you look!" With a slight tweak, it becomes this:
The ’B’ Sides*
Penn & Teller - They're magic!
Romeo & Juliet - Men's eyes were made to look
Ashlee & Jessica (Simpson) - They may not sing, but they're nice on the eyes!
Rocky Mountains - Impressive from any angle
Britney & Jamie Lynn (Spears) - They'll "Drive You Crazy" (or) They were "Born To Make You happy"
Haylie & Hillary (Duff) - My "Material Girls"
Homer & Marge (Simpson) - Mmmmmm... (or) Is there anything they can't do? (or) Woohoo!
Hall & Oates - They need that "lovin' feelin" (or) They're "Maneaters"
Abbott & Costello - Who's on first?
Adam & Eve - They're naked and not ashamed.
Fred & Ginger - Dance with the stars.
Bill & Ted - A most excellent adventure.
Christopher Columbus & Queen Isabel - Explore a new world.
Kirk & Spock - Boldly go where no man has gone before!
Matt Damon & Ben Affleck - How 'bout them apples?
The Two Towers - The time has come for the dominion of Men.
Bambi and Thumper - If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all!
The Wonder Twins (Zan & Jayna) - When they are touched, the Wonder Twin Powers are activated!
Tom & Jerry - Care to play a game of cat & mouse?
Everest & K2 - Who will reach the top first?
Pointer Sisters - They want a man with a slow hand and an easy touch.
Barbara & Jenna (Bush) - If you're their daddy, you're powerful.
Ben & Jerry - To know them is to love them.
The Olsen Twins (Mary Kate & Ashley) - It takes two (or) Full House
The Thompson Twins - Hold me now.
Dorothy & Toto - You're not in Kansas anymore! (or) People come and go so quickly here! (or) I'll get you pretty, and the little dog too!
*Some may have aged better than others.
Advertising Slogans and Taglines Can Be So Suggestive.
Trinidad & Tobago - Together we aspire, together we achieve
The Energizer Bunnies - They keep going and going and going...
Nintendo DS - Touching is good
G E - They bring good things to life
Allstate - Always in good hands.
Proctor & Gamble - Touching Lives, Improving Life
Campbell's Soup - M'm! M'm! Good!
Pringles - Once you pop, the fun don't stop.
Smuckers (Jam & Jelly) - With a name like Smuckers, they have to be good.
Sunny Delight - Unleash the power of the sun.
Sugar Puffs - With honey goodness
Lucky Charms - They're Magically Delicious!
Twizzlers - Makes mouths happy!
M&M - Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
Butter Cups - There's no wrong way to eat them.
Twix - Two For Me! None for you!
Disneyland - The Happiest Place on Earth
Alton Towers - Where wonders never cease
Good & Plenty - Love my good & plenty
Alka-Seltzer - Try it, you'll like it
Bacardi & Cola - They get the job done
Barnum & Bailey (Circus) - The Greatest Show on Earth
AT & T - Reach out and touch them
Braniff Airlines - When you got it, flaunt it
Coca Cola - Deliciously refreshing (or) Good all the way down (or) Demand the genuine - refuse substitutes (or) They're the real thing (or) Feel the difference
Doublemint (Gum) - Double your pleasure, double your fun
Frosted Flakes - They're GR-R-REAT!
Martini & Rossi - For people who share a taste for excitement.
Tic Tacs - Put a Tic Tac in your mouth and get a bang out of life
Weebles - Weebles wobble but they don't fall down
So there you have it, plenty of choices for the ladies with discriminating taste.
DISCLAIMER - In answer to the emails I received after this was originally posted, and in an effort to preempt any emails after this post, no, I'm not a pervert. I do not abuse small furry farm animals. This is all in good fun. If you don't know me and have not read my blogs before, you may be missing some of the running jokes, or just simply not understand my humor - it is an acquired taste. Keep reading at your own risk. Stay long enough and you just might learn something, and have a few laughs.
Has it really been almost two years since my last post? That is crazy. Sorry about that, folks. I guess life just got too busy.
I took a merchandising job - gave up the Doordash (DD) gig. Does anyone actually make money Dashing? My calculations showed I actually lost money. But I got out of the house, met some interesting folks, and made a few new friends. The income, and especially the tips, were nowhere near enough to offset the expenses - mainly gasoline at the time, and of course, vehicle maintenance and repairs. And then, I still had to deal with the FERAL taxes at the end of the year, which consumed what was left.
I advanced to the top at DD - Platinum status, had many favorable reviews, and even a few regulars who actually did tip well. I appreciated the opportunity. Everyone was helpful at corporate. But whenever you deal with the public, you are going to find a few bad ones. And they can screw up your day.
It's Always The Artistic Kids That Cause Trouble
I now work for a very large North American company that specializes in assisting retail with just about everything. In just under two years, I've changed divisions once, and changed companies once. It's a part-time job. One day I might be stocking trading cards on Target shelves. And the next, checking C-stores to confirm they are running a specific beverage promotion. And the resets are a blast. This is when a category - like salad dressing for instance, is rearranged to group them by brand, and/or to give certain products more visibility or slots.
For instance, we did a salad dressing reset in several Dallas stores. Who knew Hidden Valley had so many flavors and product extensions?
Imagine, A Pasture Full Of Sizzling Hot Strips Of Bacon, Grazing In The Sun. Why Is This Place Hidden? I Want To Go To There!
I never had Covid. But the global panic caused me to lose my job. Then, I did experience some health issues and ended up living with family. After a time, they decided I needed to leave. I sent resumes, called former employers, did the networking, but there was nothing but crickets. All the things that worked in the past seemed useless in this brave new DEI world powered by Artificial Intelligence (AI).
My background is quite unique. I've done a little of everything in the advertising and marketing world. But the irony is, while my background is diverse, I am the complete opposite. Let me list my strikes: Male, White, Heterosexual, Christian, Conservative, Dispensational Premillennialist. OK, so the last two are likely not relevant to MOST employers. My age might win me some brownie points, but that often is considered a negative as well. Ageism is alive and well.
When I had to hire people, I noticed that even in the 90s, HR was weeding people out on the flimsiest of reasons. Now it is done by computers, who often just search for keywords. Nobody really looks at the individual as a whole. Some of my best hires rarely had what I would call the perfect resume. Yet, they had knowledge of, and a passion for our product, and an eagerness to learn - none of that can be taught!
So how do you get noticed if nobody wants to listen (or read)? That is a challenge. Apparently, big companies do get "brownie points" for hiring certain types of people. The reverse racism of the recent past seems to be in decline. But folks who are economically disadvantaged, veterans, and those with disabilities are among the anointed groups. I have no idea exactly what the incentives are. Maybe tax breaks, a government pat on the head - whatever. I just know every online application is asking these questions. So how do you make this knowledge work for you?
There are dozens of rather common health challenges that are considered disabilities. I honestly don't believe in illness or disabilities, and certainly don't want to claim them. Yet if I do deal with something, why not make it work FOR ME? On a recent application, I found about 6 items I could honestly claim. Thankfully, I did not have to be specific. So if this gives my resume/application a little boost, why not? I hope, at the very least, this gets my resume read by a human.
Whenever I imagine some AI/HR gatekeeper, I picture Lucifer, the cone-headed IL-series Cylon android from Battlestar Galactica - the original TV series from the 70s. He was second-in-command to the human traitor Count Baltar, and the Imperious Leader. Would Lucifer even interview me?
"BY YOUR COMMAND!"
In the short term, I am learning new skills, attempting to stay current with technology while still writing. As some of you know, I had a couple of websites that featured over 300 Children's stories, Bible lessons, sermons, poems, and songs. They were hacked, and the price demanded to repair and "secure" them sounded more like extortion than good business. I turned instead to other sites like YouTube. With AI, I have the ability to illustrate some of my stories, Its not easy, but I am getting better. There are also many choices, so testing the platforms takes time. I would encourage you to subscribe to my YT channel. Check out the 30 or so videos posted thus far, and follow my progress. Its primarily Christian, but there are few fun things thrown in. Thanks for your support and prayers.
