My Qualifications For An Honorary Doctorate From The University Of Helsinki Theology Faculty

If Greta Is Worthy Of A Doctorate, Why Not Me?

It was announced recently that the Theology Faculty at the University of Helsinki is conferring honorary doctorates on 8 individuals, including the Climate Princess herself, Greta Thunberg. In her amazing 20 years, she has accomplished so much, like skipping school to make folks aware that the Sun sometimes makes the Earth warm, and sometimes not so warm. And she has read speeches at the UN, very angrily, denouncing modern civilization, and vowing never to forgive those who don't take her chicken little warnings seriously. Those actions were so impressive, the theology faculty at the ivy-covered walls of Helsinki U, thought she deserved an honorary doctorate. Truly, any serious theologian should be concerned with the rantings of an unhinged, teenage climate agitator.

Previously, U of H doctoral candidates specialized in areas like, Biblical studies, church history, internationally or in the North-European and Finnish contexts, or the study of religions and religiosity outside the Christian traditions. Other areas of study included systematic theology, social ethics, ecumenical theology, and the philosophy of religion. I'm not quite sure where global warming agitation fits in, but I am glad the door is open for me and other deserving folks. That is truly outside the box thinking.

I thought honorary doctorates, especially in theology, were reserved for those folks who had lived long and productive lives, often in academia, but not always, accomplishing great things for both God and man. But now that the standard has been reimagined by the fine folks in Helsinki, it seems appropriate to suggest they consider me for such an honor, and closely review my credentials. Since honorary doctorates are now dispersed like candy, I want my chocolate bar!

A Little Bit About A Big Man In A Small Country

The Finnish people are entertaining and fun to be around. The blonde hair, blue eyes, sharp features and wit - made me feel right at home in Finland. At 6'5" I tower over most Finns, but share their Nordic appearance. Its no surprise I was once nicknamed "Viking King" during my college days. But they were not scared, nor did they run away. Instead, they were simply curious about the gentle giant from Texas in their presence, and wanted to know more. They might have crowned me King of Finland, but fortunately, Finland has no monarchy. If I wasn't a Believer, who strongly embraces Individual Liberty, I would be a perfect Finn!

I especially enjoyed their ability to draw out any meeting for hours, attempting to build consensus. I once worked for a Finnish company, and visited Helsinki and Tampere during my employment. There were four trips in all to Finland, one for each season - Winter 1, Spring, Fall, and Winter 2. And if you are flying that far away from Dallas, Texas, you stay for a time. That's possibly more time in Finland than Greta, although she did grow up next door in Sweden. 

Finland is gorgeous. Tampere reminded me of Minnesota, with all the lakes formed by glaciers that receded long before man had any industrial output. Helsinki, especially when it was warm enough to be outside, was spectacular. Very pretty city, and was quite clean for a major metropolitan area. 

They were comfortable fighting with or against the Nazis, just as they were with or against the Communists. And they are pretty fierce winter warriors. The food needs a little work, but I understand the limitations of being so near the Arctic Circle may impact variety. But I must admit, where would we be without Saunas and mobile phones?

Finland is a small country, about half the size of Texas. But they do punch above their class. Finnish is a most unusual language, funny to look at on paper, but quite pleasant to the ear. Yet there are only 5 million Finnish speakers globally. The majority of folks also speak Swedish, English, and/or Russian. Finnish is one of those languages that will likely fade away in a few more generations, as the world is shrinking every day. To have almost any impact outside of the country, you must be proficient in another language, usually one of the three above or Chinese, German, or French.

Making My Case 

I feel silly, like Paul pleading his Hebrew bona fides in Philippians 3. Yet, if U of H is serious about handing out honorary doctorates to just about anybody, why not me? Here are a handful of reasons why I should be considered for a University of Helsinki Honorary Doctorate in Theology. I know its hard to match Greta's many accomplishments, but I do what I can.

#1 - As a Product Manager for Pro Set trading card company, I volunteered to assemble a trading card product for the coming Gulf War (first one). My only conditions were that it had to be educational, presenting all nations involved, including the belligerents, fairly. I wanted complete control over the product's design, creation and manufacturing - I ended up with about 70% control. And the final product had to be a quality product that we would be proud to share with our kids, and grandkids. The Desert Storm trading card set had 250 cards, including every country involved, key leaders, and many of the deployed weapons. We had assistance from the US Military, and consulates from all over the world, including the Iraqi Embassy, who provided a lovely shot of Saddam Hussein.

It became clear that the conflict would be over quite quickly. This led to the entire team of writers, editors, and computer artists literally working around the clock to finish the product and send it to the printer. For several days, I did not leave the office, and ended up writing a few card backs just to get the product complete. It was the fastest we had ever taken a product from concept to printer - just over one week. There were a couple of weeks of preplanning, which included traveling to DC to gather images from the military, and send requests to embassies and consulates for pictures and information - it was the 90s, so Internet and the digital age was not quite on our side.

The product was well received by many, including a "Best Desert Storm Set" award from Non-Sport Update - a magazine which tracked trading card products that did not feature athletes. You might be wondering if that is such a big deal. Well, at least 9 companies released sets, including Topps, who put out 3 different batches: Series 1-3. So, yes, there was some competition - if you can call it that. 

But here is the point. The ONLY set that had a card on Finland (#17), and their contribution to the war effort, was Pro Set. And at the time, I knew very little about Suomi. Imagine, a product manager for a trading card company in Dallas, Texas USA, cared enough to include your country in our product. That's worth something, right?

#2 - In 2022, I published a Christian study journal, My Sheep Hear Me: Tuning In The Voice Of Jesus. Its available to over 200 million Amazon Prime subscribers worldwide. The 8-week study is designed to help Christians recognize the leading of their Heavenly Father, and be sensitive to His voice.

#3 - My love of the Bible started at a very young age. My parents purchased me an illustrated children's Bible, written in a comic format. I literally read it until it fell apart. Then, the church presented each child with a copy of the Revised Standard Version, and that became my regular companion. I served as an acolyte, and while my Mother was employed by the church, I cleaned the sanctuary and filled the pews with supplies - envelopes, cards, and sharpened pencils. Its sounds trivial, but very necessary for services.  

In college, I studied New Testament, communications, history, eventually earning a BA in Advertising Management. After college, I was a part time teacher for a singles class, giving two memorable lessons called: Its A Wonderful Life and Elijah & Elisha: Tag Team For God. I also found time to coach a boy's church basketball team all the way to the championship.

I could have skipped school and protested the weather. But instead, I did things to improve myself, and the world around me.

#4 - I launched a blog and several web sites starting in 2001. They include: Matney Woodard Entertainment, King's Kid Stuff, Harrison Woodard - a personal blog, and this site. My sites include Christian Children's stories, Biblical stories, sermons, and Christian commentary for all ages. Between all sites, there are over 200 pages of Christian content. Visitors from every "inhabited" continent have viewed more than a 1.5 million pages. So where is my academic LOVE? 

#5 - As continuing homage to all things Finland, several of my children's stories feature Finnish names. Hanna's Parade - about the donkey who carried Jesus on Palm Sunday. Kirsi, The Little Lost Lamb - about the shepherds who were at the Nativity. Duarte, The Good Shepherd - about a llama who protects a little lamb named Taru. 

#6 - In college, I worked as a stringer, gathering court filings in a major lawsuit filed by the families who lost loved ones in a Delta Airline crash at DFW Airport. I was employed by one of the top newspapers in the state, while also contributing to the college newspaper. Why is this relevant? Why are staged arrests of Greta newsworthy?

#7 - When not working on Desert Storm. I was the Hockey Product Manager at Pro Set. This is a very popular sport in Finland, and many of their players now make their way to the NHL. When I took the position, I knew nothing about hockey - I lived in Texas. But learned the sport, and launched three hockey products, one card/confection product, and created Rink Rat, our hockey mascot. One of my favorite memories was being in Toronto for an NHL event. I spotted kids at the entrance of the hotel joyfully opening our packs and trading the cards. Has Greta ever created a product that brought joy to the lives of children? Or has she been content to just fill them with fear and anxiety about an issue that is beyond their capability to solve?

#8 - One of my favorite stories was an homage to a Finnish coworker, who I thought was gorgeous. Heli, The Star Of Bethlehem was named for her. This is the backstory of how God selected which star would shine above the Nativity, and lead the wise men to Jesus.

#9 - Not only do I have a presence online, but my work has been enjoyed all over the world. Christian radio ministries in the Caribbean have read my stories on air. A Middle Eastern country published The Three Camels, in Arabic. An Indian firm used my story, The Carpenter And The Little End Table, in their English reader. Spreading the LOVE of God globally, not fear.

#10 - No story has impacted the world more than Heaven's Art Gallery. It has received much praise, as it makes you question the value of your life through God's eyes. God has a plan for every Believer, His perfect will. But too many folks get redirected and sent down the wrong path - their life never to admired in Heaven's Art Gallery. 

#11 - Maybe I should mention I write Christian children's songs. Including the Palm Sunday Song, which will likely be performed by kids in churches around the world this weekend.

#12 - And no Christian site would be complete without some Christian poems. One of the most popular, Stand Firm, is a call to stay strong even in the face of adversity.

So much more I could mention. So many times I have volunteered with churches and charities, supported ministries, and helped strangers. I've taken on some really odd jobs, like the Summer I salvaged the possessions from house floods and fires for restoration. A truly disgusting, and yet very sad job.

Well, that's my case. My accomplishments up against hers. Who has done more for God and man? I will send an official note to the appropriate folks in Finland asking for their consideration. Hopefully, the decision will come quickly.

I expect at least a courtesy email from the UH Theology department. Even a thanks, but no thanks note would certainly be appreciated.

This Is A Spiked Flail. - The More You Know.