A Blog About The 4th of July, Jenna Ortega, Christmas, And An Ugly Naked Man

 Happy 4th of July!

Driving around Mesquite today, I noticed a big increase in American flags and patriotic displays. Even in apartments, people were displaying red, white, & blue. What does it mean? I hope it means that people love this country. For all its warts, its still the best country on the planet. Otherwise, the whole world wouldn't be doing their best to come here. Let's get some good leadership in place, and see some real justice for those who have used government for personal gain.

Regardless of who is in power - PRAY for all those in authority.

Does Jenna Ortega live in Mesquite?

For most deliveries, people request that I simply place their food in front of the door. This is referred to as a no contact delivery - a holdover from the flu madness of 2020. I find it a little silly. I'm driving around Mesquite with your ice cream, my AC is on full blast, and yet the interior temperature never gets below 80 with the afternoon Sun blazing. And then after 30 minutes of being outside of a frozen environment, the guest now wants me to set it in front of their door, in the Sun, with the heat index well above 100. Good luck with that. I take my photo and depart, hoping they check their text messages and see that their food has been delivered. And hopefully, it doesn't get "poached" by a porch pirate either.

So today I actually had two deliveries in one. Which means I shopped two different orders at the same time, and then delivered based upon their location and delivery expectations. Its always a little unnerving, as keeping two orders separate, and going through all the necessary steps, can be more challenging than you might think. Yet I delivered the first shop rather quickly and made my way to the next stop.

My instructions for this one was to hand it to the guest. OK, so now its time to have something nice to say, a pleasant observation, or thank you. I approached the door and some yappy dog in the window made sure that ringing the doorbell was not necessary. What he lacked in size, he made up for in bark, showing those little fangs was actually a little amusing. I literally could step on him - not that I would. He was going to defend his home no matter what.

A minute or two went by - far longer than it should take for someone to come to the door. So I reluctantly rang the doorbell - maybe the person simply ignores the dog when its barking fanatically. As I stood there in the hot Sun, holding the bags, I could feel beads of sweat forming all over, and a few racing down my head. So much for looking professional - I never do anyway. Someone my age probably shouldn't be in shorts and a T-shirt.

Finally, the door opened. To my surprise there was petite woman in a very tight dress - definitely not for my benefit. Based on what I normally meet - this was by far the most attractive woman I have met in my Dashing travels. Yet, it was WHO she looked like that had me stumble. She was the spittin' image of Jenna Ortega. Same height, hair color, build, smile - it was an amazing similarity. Now I know some might say that I would think that about any petite Latina. Is that the right word - who knows these days. No disrespect intended if wrong. The truth is I am pretty good with faces, and the resemblance was uncanny.

She was obviously in a hurry, getting ready for some event. She thanked me and I handed her the groceries. And then I did the only thing I could do - the dance!

The Ugly Naked Man

Remember the sitcom Friends? They had an offscreen character called the Ugly Naked Man. We never saw his face, yet several episodes mentioned him - including one where they thought he was dead and built a pole to "tap" him to see if he was alive. Then another where Ross bonded with him when he found out that he was moving out of the apartment.

Well, I was delivering food to hungry folks in Mesquite. Its a dirty job, but I don't want the good people of Mesquite to starve, therefore I Dash. This particular day Google successfully directed me to the correct building. It had three stories and four stairwells. I can successfully manage about three flights for one delivery - but that is about it. I cannot risk climbing stairs and be wrong. So I am carefully reviewing the door numbers for the first floor units, and the 2nd floor that I can see. Some are quite easy to figure out - 101 - first floor, 201 - 2nd floor, 301 - third floor etc. But some communities like to mix it up just to screw people like me. 

I determined the unit was likely one of the middle stairwells. So I was making my way there, walking between the cars and the units. I happen to look up just in time to see a man standing at his backdoor - all glass. And from what I could see, I did not dare look down, this man was completely naked. His right hand was hanging down as if he was doing something, but again I did not dare look.

Unfortunately, now that I had made eye contact with him, I could not easily break it. He looked a little like Tommy Chong (Cheech & Chong) in his prime. And like Mr. Chong was likely feeling little pain. So I did what anyone else would do in this situation, gave him a quick nod and moved on. Maybe he was expecting a delivery, or something else. But I was NOT his man. 

There are some really strange folk in the Dallas metro area.

Now that we are in July, Hallmark and other channels are featuring Christmas in July. All the holiday movies from the past are playing all month. I stumbled across two I like just the other night. I saw the end of Dear Santa, featuring the lovely Amy Acker (Angel, Dollhouse, Person of Interest) from Dallas and fellow SMU alum. And watched about 75% of Love At The Thanksgiving Parade (sometimes shortened to Love At The Parade) before yielding to sleep. The Parade one features one of my all-time favorites  - Autumn Reeser. She is so awesome. She makes EVERYTHING better. And you can quote me. 

Watch a few and get in the Christmas spirit early this year!

Sometimes, you just need to sing!!!! And yes, that is SPOCK (Leonard Nimoy) driving the Bangles.

Surviving The Twelve Dates Of Christmas

Its the film crossover event that couples have dreamed about for years. In theaters this Christmas, a holiday rom-com that when you meet-cute, you die-cute. Its the perfect date film, with something for everyone.

Another Christmas Meet-Cute Goes Awry

The Plot

12 lonely single women make a pact to find love by Christmas. As each one meets their perfect man, they are immediately involved in a horrific accident. Is it Christmas magic? A curse? Or something far more sinister?

Each accident seems to follow a pattern relating to the Christmas song, The Twelve Days Of Christmas.

On the first day, Angie meets her soulmate, Doug, while she is at her grandfather's Christmas tree farm. As they stroll through the farm, they come to a place where some really big trees are being cut for corporate clients. Their movement startles a covey of partridges which fly to one of the recently cut trees. The sudden addition of their weight causes the tree to come crashing down on top of our couple.

Angie and Doug Find Love Among The Trees

On the third day, Grace is at the family chicken farm helping her parents. Prince Albert, of some obscure European nation, takes a tour of the farm. Grace and the prince immediately sense a connection, and start imagining life with each other. Grace gives him a tour of the hen house, when suddenly all the birds attack and peck them mercilessly.

Grace, And the Angry Birds

On the eighth day, a journalist named Kim, visits Luke's dairy farm. She is doing a story on milk production in the state. Throughout the tour it is obvious that there is chemistry between the two. The crew decides to get some shots outside leaving Kim and Luke alone in the dairy barn. In a chain of events that would impress Rube Goldberg, our lovers become victims of the milking equipment.

A Happy Moment Alone For Kim And Luke

The tenth day gets really interesting. Michele is drugged while out partying and awakens in a foreign country where 10 lords fight over her. Who will win? Will she fall in love, or will there be more violence?

Michele Watching The Lords

On the twelfth day, our last ingenue thinks she has found love when she is asked to be a part of a holiday parade. Instead, its a violent protest, including a deadly drumline. Will she survive the trampling and find love?

Kelly Before The Rampage Begins

The Cast

The producers originally set out to cast a very diverse group, including the very best rom-com talent on the planet. A literal whose who of young talent was approached: Autumn Reeser, Candace Cameron Bure, Danica McKellar, Dove Cameron, Emily Kinney, Katrina Norman, Lacey Chabert, Jen Lilley, Jillian Murray, Laura Marano, Mallory Jansen, Mikaela Hoover, Minka Kelly, Monica Barbaro, Poppy Drayton, Rachael Leigh Cook, Rachel Bilson, Samaire Armstrong, Summer Glau, Taylor Cole, Victoria Justice, and Zoey Deutch.

But every actor inexplicably was working on other projects. It was the same story for all five men who appear in 90% of rom-coms. They all had conflicts and could not commit to this project. It looked like the film was DOA. And yet it was decided to just hire some Canadians - they will do anything for a buck!

The Controversy

The film certainly had its fair share of challenges. One of the producers demanded that they put more women in the film, and make them lame. It was explained that more than half the cast were already women, but to appease her demands, a disabled female character was added. After the first screening, and the overwhelming negative feedback to seeing a disabled woman mauled on screen, the part was eliminated.

The Surprise

Select streaming partners will release an interactive version, allowing the audience to select which couple survives and finds love, and those that do not. There will be literally dozens of possibilities totally in the control of the viewer. 

We listened to rom-com and slasher fans and the one consistent complaint was that the movie never ended the way they wanted it to end. Now they will have the ability to control the ending.

The Press

The feedback for the film as been phenomenal. Just take a look at the favorable press thus far.

Never in my 60 years as a film critic have I watched a film like this!

Neal Pearson, Movie Talk 365 

This is one movie that I am glad is lacking diversity!

Evelyn Madden, DEI In Film

I can't believe I kept my dinner down for all 90 minutes!

Billy Masterson, Dallas Times Herald

This is EXACTLY what the holiday season needed! Four stars!

Greg Holbrook, Daily Freak

 

You will LAUGH. You will CRY. You will KISS ten bucks goodbye!

DON'T MISS THIS FILM!

If your local theater is not showing it, demand they do. This is sure to be a holiday favorite for decades!

Christmas Movies 2023

I did not think I would blog on this topic this year. I wrote a short post last year, you can see that here. I just haven't been in the holiday (film) spirit for some reason. The movies have already started, and yet I can't even get 10 minutes in before losing interest. Why?

Again this year there are over 100 titles produced for the 2023 holiday season. Amazon, BET, Great American Family, Hallmark, Lifetime all have product available, so why am I not excited?

Before I share my thoughts, you can read this summary of the movies, and see if you are excited to watch even a third of these films.

Here are some of the reasons why this holiday film season seems so underwhelming,

#1. Lacey Chabert Fatigue - She's gorgeous. I love her in many films, but it just seems that every time I turn on Hallmark, there she is. I know that is an exaggeration. I have that same feeling about the male leads. There seems to be about 3-5 that are in EVERY MOVIE. Unless the story is dramatically different, please cast someone else.

#2. New Folks - Its always nice to see fresh faces, but if they are stuck in the same reimagined story, they are inevitably judged against the original cast. And let's face it, holiday movies don't exactly push the creative envelope. Do you know how many girl meets prince rom-coms I have watched? And I really don't watch them like I did during the plandemic.

#3. Autumn Reeser - Just like there are a few actors who are overused, there are some who are not cast nearly enough. Reeser makes everything she does BETTER. I did not see her name listed in any of the upcoming films, and that makes me sad. I guess its another year of watching repeats.

#4. Higher Standards - In their zeal to put out so much product, it is obvious the quality is slipping. And the same tropes keep getting regurgitated - the fake relationship, enemies to lovers, love between different social classes, Cinderella, rekindling an old flame, and moving to a small town and falling in love. That is about 80% of the holiday rom-coms just with those. And of course there are many varieties of each one. 

I could also mention the forced diversity casting. The story should drive the casting, not the other way around. Yet producers would rather DIE than not participate in the DEI agenda. But let's face it, not every film needs a spunky, gay friend. And if their sexual appetite or presence does not move the story forward, don't include them. You could also add a Buddhist monk to all your holiday rom-coms. They are an underrepresented group in film. But I don't think they would help the story either.

#5. Its Christmas! - How many films actually acknowledge the true meaning of the holiday? Its all about Santa, Christmas magic, dating, but very little about the Love of God, or even Peace on Earth! 

#6. Snow - What is so magical about snow? So many movies have a closing scene where everyone thinks its something special when it snows. If temperature and conditions are right, guess what, instead of rain or hail, snow comes down. Its really not that special.

#7. Location - Budget often dictates where the film will be shot. But even if not shot there, almost all films are set in NY or LA, or a small town in the Northeast. Often, some location in Canada is used instead. And if you are looking for quaint small towns with snow, that likely makes sense. But there are 50 states in the US. They may not all get regular snowfall, but they do celebrate Christmas. And as far as I know, people still fall in love in most states. Just setting a film in the Big Thicket area of Texas opens up a plethora of possibilities for a fresh new story.

#8. No Justice - Another actress I would like to see in holiday rom-coms is Victoria Justice. I watched her in two different films, a rom-com - Perfect Pairing, and Afterlife Of The Party - a movie where she dies, but must help friends and family heal before ascending, or else the alternative. Its ye old unfinished business trope. I think she has what it takes to be quite successful in holiday rom-coms - if that is her desire.

#9. Other Actresses - Of course there are other actresses I would like to see. But I have covered that recently in another blog.

#10. I'm Not Complaining - Some may think that I am being a whiner, That's not true. I am thankful for all the work that goes into all these films. But I miss the fun of holiday rom-coms. We all know what to expect with Hallmark, and others. They make holiday rom-coms, not Christmas films. And that's OK - its their money and their choice. As a long time consumer, I've noticed the quality of story, acting, direction all decline. They are supposed to be rom-coms, yet they lack both romance AND comedy. 

Its sad when I would PREFER watching some of the older holiday films. For example:

Love At The Thanksgiving Parade (2012) - A quirky parade coordinator reluctantly falls for a consultant sent to evaluate Chicago's Thanksgiving parade. Sure its predictable, but the locations are fun, and a parade coordinator is an interesting position. Autumn Reeser is spectacular in the role, dressing in vintage outfits, and literally pushing this film across the finish line. You want to watch because you like the characters, want them to succeed, and there is enough going on in the background to make even the slow parts interesting. 

Snow Bride (2013) The beautiful Katrina Law is a tabloid reporter trying to get the scoop on the family of a Senator, especially his sons who might be about to propose. Through a series of unfortunate events, she ends up stuck on a frozen mountain in a wedding dress where she is rescued by one of the sons. Things flow as you would expect, as she pretends to be someone else. Patricia Richardson is great as the Senator's wife and mother to the sons.

A Royal Christmas (2014) Lacey Chabert plays the humble seamstress from Philadelphia who falls for a European prince - who knew there are so many. What makes this better than many others is the main antagonist is Jane Seymour playing the queen. Chabert brings lots of charm to the role which overcomes the predictable plot. This was also one of her first holiday rom-coms.

Christmas In Homestead (2016) - An innkeeper and mayor sees his life turned upside down by a production crew filming a holiday rom-com in his small town - how ironic. Taylor Cole is the movie star and love interest for the mayor. Her ex is also starring in the film and plays the role of the annoying, clingy old boyfriend. Katrina Norman, another favorite of mine, is the sister of the mayor and helps him run the inn. There is a subplot of her befriending the paparazzi trying to sneak some shots of the stars. And finally, the child actor who plays the daughter of the mayor, adds a little bit of warmth to the story. I typically do not like kids in these films as they are often distractions, and rarely help the story. But the young girl here does a great job in her limited role.

A Christmas Wish (2011) Kristy Swanson, of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer fame - the movie, not show, stars as a single mother who has been abandoned by her husband and left to care for the kids, one of which is her stepson, who is abandoned by his father. She lands in a small town and takes work as a waitress in a diner. Trouble keeps coming her way, yet the thought of Christmas around the corner keeps them hopeful of a better future. The entire community rallies around them supplying a very nice, and happy ending. One of the few films that truly captures the Spirit of Christmas.

A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish (2019) This film would likely be completely forgettable without the wonderful performance of Laura Marano, This is a reimagined Cinderella. Marano is tormented by her eccentric stepmother and stepsisters, the former constantly threatening her with her inheritance being unavailable when she turns 18. Marano works as a singing/dancing elf at a Christmas park, does singing telegrams, and is forced to do the cleaning and most housework while the her steps enjoy life. Then she stumbles into the "prince" of the story, who is a wealthy and popular boy in the town. They grow closer even though both work together in holiday costumes and do not know each others' true identity - you know like Clark Kent with glasses on looks NOTHING like Superman. The story is wrapped up in dramatic fashion with Marano coming out on top, and the steps properly humiliated.

My Santa (2013) Features another one my favorites, Samaire Armstrong as a newspaper writer and a single mom. Matthew Lawrence plays the heir to Santa Clause who comes to town to seek his Mrs. Clause. Not a major production and I could nitpick this to death, Armstrong and Lawrence are great together and alone. Its when the other people come along that the movie struggles. This is a good example of how child actors can suck the life right out of a film. You find yourself wanting Armstrong and Lawrence to get together at the North Pole, but maybe leave the kid behind. There are some sweet scenes, one in particular when they are able to help a struggling family.

And I want to add one more that is not your usual holiday rom-com.

Kristin's Christmas Past (2013) The film stars Shiri Appleby, who was in the original Roswell and more recently Unreal. The plot is not original. After a rough night, and the prospects of Christmas alone, the 30 something Appleby is sent back in time to confront her 17 year old self. The interaction between Appleby, her younger self, and the entire family keeps you interested. This is not a big budget film. But the movie does have a lot of heart. There were a few loose ends that they left hanging, but otherwise its an entertaining 90 minutes - if you like Christmas films.

So there it is. Just days before the official start of Christmas season and I have yet to see a 2023 film that I really enjoy. Hopefully, a few will come. If not, I've got the ones above, and some classic oldies to entertain me.

Be sure and check out my Christian Christmas Stories,

Merry Christmas!!