Thursday, October 08, 2009

Good News For Aspiring Suicide Bombers and Terrorists!

Imagine a young Muslim terrorist straps on his suicide vest, runs into a cafe filled with unsuspecting infidels, yells some gibberish and detonates his vest, killing all inside.

Next, we see our martyr in paradise looking for his promised reward - 72 virgins. But to his disappointment they are not what he expected. So in anger he asks...

"Where the white women at?"

But for every question, Muslim clerics have an answer.

In an interview with Syrian-born
Saudi cleric Muhammad Al-Munajid, which aired on Al-Majd TV on July 25, 2009, all these questions are answered.

Allah said that the black-eyed virgins are beautiful white young women, with black pupils and very white retinas, whose skin is so delicate and bright that it causes confusion. Allah said that they are like hidden pearls. They have wide eyes, and they have not been touched by man or jinn. They are virgins, who yearn for their husbands. They are all the same age, morally and physically beautiful. They are like precious gems and pearls in their splendor, their clarity, their purity, and their whiteness.

That does sound a little racist, but whatever. With 72 white virgins, how will our martyr ever have the stamina to service such bounty?

The Prophet Muhammad says that in Paradise, a man gets the strength of 100 men when it comes to eating, drinking, passion, and sex.

I see. But what happens if they get pregnant, sick, or are jealous of each other?

...the women of Paradise are pure, unblemished, menstruation-free, free of feces, urine, phlegm, children... Moreover, Allah cleaned them of all impure and foul things, both in appearance and character. In character, they are not jealous, hateful, or angry. They are not greedy.

Wow! Paradise is sounding pretty cool. But with so many terrorists running around - I mean they do blow up so fast. Will my virgins want to run off with some other terrorist who killed more infidels than me?

They are restricted to tents, locked up for the husband. There is no such thing as going out. When he comes home – they are there. There is no such thing in Paradise as a man coming home and not finding his wife there.

Whew! That's a load off my mind. But what happens after a few weeks and I have "broken in" all my virgins. Surely, something can be done to restore their virginity?

Unfortunately, our cleric did not address this issue just yet. But others have suggested perpetual virginity for all 72. Maybe a cleric can clarify this further in the future.

Seems like pretty good motivation to leave this world for the next. No wonder so many ignorant men have wasted their lives as terrorists. Unfortunately, they will be bitterly disapointed in their afterlife "reward." And that is just sad.

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